


Matters of the heart

by NyanJai



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-12-07 09:41:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/747055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyanJai/pseuds/NyanJai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Dean Winchester is in hospital awaiting a heart transplant, when he receives an unexpected visitor. Little does he knows what an impact this man will have on his life</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first AU, and the longest story I have written so far. I have tried to keep medical information as correct as possible, and I apologise if I have put something incorrectly. Also apologise for any grammar errors, i did proof read but if i missed something once...I hope you will enjoy this, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. :)

“Come on Dean, you need to take your medication” Tessa's tone was stern as she handed the plastic cup containing the pills to the blonde haired man laying on the bed. He sat up, took the cup and downed the pills, glaring at his nurse while he did so. “You can't give up now, you are so near the top of the list for your operation” Dean gave no response. Sighing she moved on to the next patient. 

Tessa had been a nurse for two years, and had seen many patients come and go, but few as stubborn as Dean Winchester. He had been admitted into the hospital two months earlier, and was awaiting a heart transplant due to dilated cardiomyopathy. “Ellen can give him his medication later” She said to herself. The older nurse tended to have less trouble with dealing with Dean.

Deans mood didn't change until visiting time, when a tall, dark haired man walked in. “Hey Sammy” he grinned. His little brother came over and sat next to the bed. “How are you holding up?” Dean frowned “Same old.” Sam smiled encouragingly “I spoke to Tessa, she says you are stable, and that you aren't far off the top of the list for your transplant.” Dean grunted non-committally. 

“Hey, I know you aren't happy you are stuck in here, but once you are well you can go home.” Sam put his hand on his older brothers shoulder. Dean nodded “Did you ask about whether you could bring MJ along?” Sam shook his head “Tessa said no children under ten allowed on the ward. I would of smuggled her in but you know how strict that Ellen is. I did however bring this” He grinned, pulling out a picture. “Here you go. Seems she is as big a fan of that car as you are”

Dean took the picture that his four year old niece had drawn for him. “She has taste!” He put the picture of the Impala on the cabinet by the side of his bed. “Tell her I said thank you.” The rest of the hour was spent with Sam passing on news from the neighbourhood and Dean trying to get Sam to ask Jess to make him a pie. As Sam left, Dean lifted a hand in a gesture of goodbye, then went back to staring wistfully at the picture. Putting his headphones in, he decided it was nap time. Dean hated that he tired so quickly, all he had done was chat with his brother. Closing his eyes, he drifted off to the sounds of Led Zeppelin. 

He woke up to see a man sat next to his bed. Frowning, he removed the headphones. “Can I help you?” The man grinned up at him and extended a hand. “Hello, I'm Jimmy Novak!” Dean raised an eyebrow. Noticing the less than impressed look on his face, Jimmy continued. “I have been sent as your hospital buddy, it's a scheme the hospital is running for patients who are in here in a while, it give them someone to talk to if they don't get many visitors, to stop them getting bored. So is there anything you would like to do?” 

“Um, not really. Not really in the shape to hit a bar and play pool” Dean didn't attempt to hide the bitterness in his voice. Jimmy wasn't deterred. “How about we get to know each other a bit better?” he suggested, pointing at the picture “Who drew this?” “My niece Mary- MJ. She is my little brothers kid” A fond look spread over Deans face “She turned four a month ago. I missed her birthday.

“Do you have any other siblings?” Jimmy asked. “Nope, just me and Sammy. Mom died when I was four, and Dad died a few years ago.” “I'm sorry to hear that” Jimmy said. “I don't really see my parents a lot, at all. But I would be destroyed if they weren't there” There was a silence. “So do you have any siblings?” Dean asked. Silences made him uncomfortable. “I have two older brothers- Michael and Gabriel. Gabriel works with me actually” He grinned “I'm the baby.” 

Dean slowly found himself warming to Jimmy and they found themselves chatting for over an hour. He told Jimmy all about his beloved car, how he had moved around a lot as a kid and practically brought Sam up himself due to his dad's unsocial work hours. They had been chatting for two hours before they were interrupted by a man with a British accent “Castiel, it is time to go now.” Jimmy turned to the man and nodded, then turned back to Dean. “My fellow colleague, Balthazar” he explained.

“Castiel?” Dean sounded puzzled. Jimmy chuckled. “I will explain tomorrow, I promise. I will be in the hospital daily for visiting, if that is agreeable with you?” Dean nodded. “Good” Jimmy smiled. “Tomorrow then” He pulled on his coat and followed Balthazar off the ward. 

The next day Dean found himself waiting eagerly for Jimmy to show up. He hadn't realised how long it had been since he had had a friend, other than Sam. Plus he was intrigued by the name Balthazar had used. What kind of name is Castiel? 

At 3pm Dean saw Jimmy/Castiel walking down the corridor, and he was happy to see him, other than Sam and his wife Jess, no other people had visited. Dean had an active mind and being confined was making him stir crazy. “Hello Dean” Jimmy said as he walked in, and took the seat next to his bed. “So...Castiel?” Dean grinned. Jimmy sighed. “I try and go by my middle name Jimmy, though it doesn't always go according to plan. As my older brothers names suggest my parents were, um, fond of Theology. It made sense to them, to call their little “angels” after angels. My older brothers got archangel names, but there was a fair amount of squabbling, my father refused to allow the name Raphael. So when I was born on a Thursday, I got named after the angel of the day. Hence Castiel.” 

Castiel was frowning but Dean grinned at him. “Hey it is a cool name, unique. Gotta agree with your dad with the Raphael decision though. Would of been hard going through life with the same name as a ninja turtle” Castiel tried to pull a stern face to indicate his name wasn't fair joking game but quickly dissolved into laughter. Dean found his laugh infectious, and soon both of them were in a full state of giggles. 

“At least you have a cool name! Never met a Castiel before” Dean said when he had finished laughing. “I was named after my mom's mom, Deanna, and Sam was named after our grandfather.” Castiel's face became serious. “It is a great honour to be named after a family member” he said. “Yeah” Dean replied. “I wish I could of met them”

There was a period of awkward silence, and Dean tried to negate it by bringing up a funny story he had read in the paper about a Yorkshire terrier running for mayor. Castiel laughed along, but Dean could see the talk of family had touched a nerve. They spent the afternoon looking over the paper, finding several more stories that amused them. 

Finally it was time for Castiel to go. “Tomorrow?” Dean asked, realising that he would be crushed if Castiel was to say no. He nodded “Same time...A little earlier maybe” Dean grinned “Okay.” As he walked away, Dean called “Hey Cas? Bring a paper tomorrow?” Castiel turned around, and cocked his head to one side like a puzzled puppy that he had used a nickname, but he was smiling, so Dean took that as approval. “I will” he said.

The next two weeks went by so much faster than the others had. Tessa noticed that Dean's surly disposition had all but vanished. That however changed abruptly, after they sent a counsellor down to speak to Dean about his operation. When Castiel arrived that afternoon, he found Dean withdrawn and sullen, unlike his normal self who was pleased to see him. 

“Hey” Castiel said, cheerfully. Dean didn't even look up from his leaflet, he just grunted. “Are you okay?” Cas said. Dean remained silent, but passed the leaflet over to him. About your heart transplant. “Well this is good isn't it, tells you what to expect, about the medication you will have to take afterwards. Did someone go through it with you?” “Yeah, Ellen” Dean replied, his voice unusually flat. “Did she say how much longer you would have to wait? Whether you had moved up the list?” Dean shrugged. “If you ever want to talk Dean, that is what I am here for” Cas put a reassuring hand on Dean's arm. “I know this is scary for you but this operation will give you new life”

“You think I don't know what getting the transplant means? That some poor son of a bitch has to die so I can keep on living” Dean snapped. Cas looked at him, aghast, he hadn't expected the sudden outburst. “You don't think you deserve to be saved?” he whispered. Dean didn't answer, but with the look on his face, he didn't need to.

Castiel got up off the chair and moved to sit on the bed, placing his hand on Dean's left shoulder. “You may not think it Dean, but you are important.” Dean tried averting his eyes. “Hey look at me” He said gently. “I'm really not sure why you have this idea you don't deserve it, a second chance. But you do. Think of all the people who would miss you if you go” Cas pointed to the picture that MJ had drawn for Dean. “Yeah my family, they would get over it though” Dean mumbled. “I would miss you” Cas whispered. Dean looked up at him, shocked like he didn't believe him but at the same time like it had made his day, that someone would miss him if he wasn't there.

Castiel realised he was staring directly into Dean's eyes, and that he had no inclination to stop. They were the most intense green, and Cas decided there and then it was the best shade of green he had ever seen. There were many things that, even though he had been visiting Dean for a fortnight, he had never noticed. Like the freckles sprinkled over his nose or how beautiful his lips were. “Really you are thinking about his lips?” The voice inside his head sneered. Cas tried desperately to think of something else, the soccer score, or his plans for weekend. 

But Dean's lips were still his main focus, and he found himself moving in for a kiss. Horrified he sprang away. “Um, I better be going for today.” Grabbing his coat he almost sprinted out of the room, almost knocking into Tessa as she came in to bring Dean's medication. He had Dean shouting him, but face red, he fled, not stopping until he was safely in his car. He banged his hands on the steering wheel. He couldn’t believe he had been so stupid. 

He waited for an angry call off his boss Anna, but none came. Castiel wondered if Dean would make a complaint, and he would lose his job. He loved his job, but the thing that scared him the most was that he had ruined his friendship with Dean. Later on he felt hungry and went to the local deli for his favourite cheeseburger but when he got back to his apartment, he just picked at it. He ended up throwing it in the bin half finished. Curling up in his bed, under his duvet, he tried to blank out the day and get some sleep. But he couldn't get the look of confusion and dismay that had been on Dean's face out of his head.

He slept badly, as he had anticipated. When he woke up and remembered he had work that day he groaned and grabbed his cell. “Hello...Anna..Yes it is Castiel...I'm afraid I am not going to be in work today...what? Oh a migraine..since early this morning...No I am unable to drive...Yes I will let you know...Okay...Bye” 

Hanging up, Castiel wondered how long he would be able to avoid going into work. Anna had sounded annoyed, Cas was sure she had known he was faking. Still he had the day off. To go over what had happened some more in his head. Groaning he grabbed the remote and tried to find a show on TV to take his mind off it 

He managed to keep himself off work for four days, until he received a terse text from his Anna, asking him when he was planning on returning to work, and would he please bring a sick note. Frowning, he realised he would have to go back tomorrow. “Better have a shave” he thought, rubbing his chin and feeling the four days of rough growth. Plus he had barely left his bed in the last few days so a shower was in order too. 

As he pulled up at the hospital the next day, he felt a wave of anxiety. Cas was pretty sure that Dean wasn't going to complain about him, but he was certain that he wouldn't be welcome. The morning dragged while he visited other patients until it was finally time to visit Dean. He walked into Dean's room, and mercifully, Dean was alone. He raised his head at the sound of Cas entering the room. 

“Oh, its you” 

Castiel winced, he hadn't expected a warm welcome, but Dean sound extremely pissed. The once soft green eyes had a hard edge as they watched Cas walk into the room. “May I sit down?” he asked nervously. “If you like” Dean replied, turning away from him. “I'm sorry I haven't visited in the last few days, I have been off work ill.” Dean swung his head round. “So you don't visit for the best part of a week, and then you lie when you finally do show. I don't know why you even bothered. You were obviously avoiding me” 

The harshness of Dean's words cut Castiel like a knife. But he felt a glimmer of hope that Dean wasn't angry at him for what had happened. He was angry that he hadn't visited. “I'm sorry Dean. You are right, I was avoiding you. I'm really sorry for that, and I'm sorry about trying to kiss you. It was unprofessional. I haven't visited because I wasn't sure you wanted me too.” 

Dean gave him a considered look. “So that's why you didn't come?” He grinned and started laughing. Castiel glared at him. “It's not funny Dean, I heard you shouting, Your face... I have apologised.” The green eyes softened. “I wasn't shouting because I was angry Cas, I was shouting because I wanted you to come back...” Dean's voice lowered to a whisper. “I wanted you to kiss me” he winked at him.“You wanted...” Castiel couldn't finish his sentence, as all the anxiety from the past few days drained away from him. He started to laugh and Dean soon joined in. 

Once they had finished laughing however, Castiel felt awkward. What now? Should he try to kiss Dean again or wait for the right moment or.. “Hey Cas...C'mere” Dean said. Castiel went and sat on the bed, suddenly really nervous. It obviously showed as Dean put his hand on his arm. “Hey, I won't bite.” Then he grinned evilly. “Well not unless you want me to” Cas giggled nervously. “If you are like this ill, what are you like when you are well” he teased. Dean gave him a considering look. “Well, once I am better I will have to show you.” Cas moved in to kiss Dean for a second time but was thwarted by Dean looking at the door and saying “Hi Sam” 

Dean's “little brother” was stood at the door. “Hey Dean!” He turned to Cas. “Hey, you must be Cas? Deans been telling me about you” he held out a hand which Castiel shook. “All good I hope?” Cas replied, though the friendly look on Sam's face told him he had nothing to worry about. The three men chatted most of the afternoon, Cas saw Dean's face light up when Sam revealed another drawing from MJ, a chat about Sam's wedding anniversary plans and Dean making sure that Sam was watching his car. Cas noticed that he didn't bring up the business about the leaflet regarding his operation. 

Cas loved watching the two brothers interacting, wishing he had such a bond with his family. Checking the time he realised it was time to go, if he was ever going to get through the paper work. “Dean, I'm afraid I will have to go” Cas said, trying to keep the regret from his voice. He could happily of stayed all day. Dean looked sad at this announcement but nodded. “Okay, you will come tomorrow?” Cas smiled. “Yes, I will” Dean seemed to relax at this promise

“C'mon Cas, I will walk out with you” Sam said “You get some rest Dean, okay?” Dean nodded. “Good, I will visit tomorrow” he walked out to door. “I will come earlier tomorrow” Cas whispered to Dean, earning him a large grin. “So my brother has a thing for you” Sam said as soon as they were out of Dean's earshot. Cas just gaped out him. Sam started to laugh. “My brother still hasn't realised that I can read him like a book. I normally work out how he is feeling before he admits it to himself” Cas grinned back at him, a tad sheepish.

“I wish my brothers were like you, you and Dean have such a bond. I don't see Michael so much and while I work with Gabriel, we bicker a lot” he said. Sam laughed. “You haven't seen me and Dean bicker. But we are close, he practically raised me as a kid, and I feel kinda helpless that he is stuck in here at the moment, like I can't be there for him like he is for me” he admitted. “But I really want to thank you for being here for him, keeping him company. I think he will confide more in you, he still sees me as little Sammy.” Cas reached his car. “It was nice to meet you, Sam.” “It was nice to meet you too Cas. I'm going to be visiting Dean around four tomorrow...maybe get here an hour earlier than that. Got the feeling he wants you to himself” Sam winked at Cas and then headed to his own car. 

Cas found it hard to sleep that night, but this time it was due to excitement. He never guessed that Dean might feel that way. He also realised that they would have to be careful, a dalliance with someone he was visiting was likely to get him fired. He frowned, it wasn't like he went round trying it on with all of his clients. 

He got to the hospital early, as Sam suggested. Not that he didn't want to see the younger Winchester, but he wanted to talk to Dean. When he got there Dean was asleep, so Cas sat watching the heart monitor, frowning at the irregularities in the beats. He panicked when there were three missed beats and the machine started beeping. He saw Dean woke up and breathed a sigh of relief when the monitor started moving again. 

“Hey, how long you been there?” Dean asked sleepily. “Not long” Cas replied, smiling. “How you feeling?” Dean frowned “I will be better when that stupid machine stops beeping all the goddamn time.” Cas noticed that Dean's face was ashen. “Are you not sleeping well?” he asked. Dean shrugged. “Can't complain I guess, other than the machine. Still doesn't beat my own bed though, it is amazing.” He turned to Cas and winked at him and Cas felt himself blushing. 

There was an awkward pause as Castiel thought how to reply to Dean's statement. He realised that there was the elephant in the room, that they had been thwarted twice in kissing. He wanted to kiss Dean but he also wanted it to be right. “Cas, you okay?” He heard Dean talking to him and it broke him from his daydreaming. “Sorry, I was just thinking.” Dean looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “About?” “It's now or never” the small voice in the back of Castiel's head urged. He looked up, aware he was still blushing furiously and said “Third time lucky?” It was. 

When Sam arrived, Castiel said his goodbyes and left the two brothers to talk. He actually felt like he was walking on a cloud, and as he returned to his apartment he didn't care was returning to an empty place. He was the happiest he had been in a long time. He came sharply back down to earth the next day however when he returned to the hospital. Dean seemed drowsier today, and his heart monitor was a lot more erratic. He seemed in good spirits though. 

The next few weeks went by with secret kisses and hours spent talking about everything and nothing. Whenever they were together their hands would be touching, Dean grabbing on to Castiel's fingers. Cas found his feelings for Dean growing daily and Dean had taken to calling Cas his boyfriend, in front of Sam, a term that made Cas blush and grin each time he heard him. They made no plans set in stone, as they had the spectre of Dean's condition hanging over them, but they both made hesitant references to each other in their talks about the future. 

“So when I get out of hospital, we should go on a date” Dean said, squeezing Castiel's hand. “What have you got in mind?” Cas asked. Dean considered this for a moment. “Well, what would you like to do?” Cas considered this question “No one has asked me that before” he replied. Dean looked amused. “Well now I have..so think.” “I will think about it, and get back to you” Cas grinned “There will be a meal involved though” “As long as there is pie” Dean grinned back at him. “Pie?” “Yes, Pie” Dean said, a tad defensive. “Love me some pie.”

There was a knock, and Tessa popped her head around the door. “Sorry to interrupt guys, but I need to do some tests.” Dean pulled a face “More blood?” “Fraid so” Tessa replied with an apologetic look. “Need to check the monitor too, your heart rate is getting more irregular might need to amend your meds” “Yay, more pills” Dean muttered sarcastically. Cas took this as his cue to leave. “Be nice” He joked with Dean, who grinned at him and squeezed his fingers. 

Instead of going straight home, Castiel headed to his favourite place. It was a quiet spot, in the local park that most people overlooked. He came here to think, when he didn't want to sit in the apartment alone. It was also a green place in a busy city, that reminded him a bit of where he grew up. “I'm going bring Dean here once he is out of hospital” Cas thought. “If he gets out” the little voice in the back of his head whispered. He frowned, it was a thought that Cas was desperately trying to push out of his head. He had been a hospital visitor long enough to know that there wasn't always a happy ending. There were cases he had expected, but there was still nothing worse than arriving to visit someone, and being greeted with an empty bed. 

He stayed longer than normal that evening, watching the sunset. It never failed to fill him with awe, how the blue of the sky changed to reds, pinks and purples. As the sky turned dark, the stars started to become visible, able to shine without the glare of street lights. The air turned cold, and regretfully Cas left. 

Cas was walking through the park. It was eerily quiet, normally there would be the sound of cars near the entrance, followed by the noise of playing children as you got deeper in. Even in his quiet spot there was a quiet murmur that kept the park peaceful but not silent. He was holding a bunch of flowers, but as he walked the petals kept falling off. Cas looked behind him to see how long he had been dropping petals but all he could see was a trail of blood, leading from where he had starting walking. Looking down, the bouquet looked like ordinary flowers, but his arms were covered in slashes, like he had gone through barbed wire or glass. He shook the bouquet and a lone petal fluttered down, hitting the floor as a splash of blood. Castiel kept walking, ignoring the splashes of blood that marked each footstep, noticing that the flowers still looked as good as new. As he reached his sanctuary, Cas noted with horror that the grass was gone, replaced with tarmac. His once green space was gone, except for one tree, burned and withered, devoid of leaves. There was a bird sat, watching him, and as he drew nearer the tree it swooped and screaming filled the air. Castiel put his hands over his ears at the sound of the screams. It went silent again and he bent to pick up the bouquet but it was gone, replaced by a gravestone.

“No!” He screamed, pulling himself upright, heart racing in his chest. Looking around him Castiel saw his familiar room. “It was just a dream” he said to himself. He checked his arms, no cuts. Yawning, Cas laid back down, exhausted. The clock said eight am. He considered having another hours sleep as he didn't need to be in his office until eleven, but he didn't fancy returning to his nightmare. Plus today was going to require a lot of coffee. 

Getting into the office early meant he had time to relax before everyone came in and started milling around. He started on the monthly rota after phoning the hospital to get the names of anyone requiring visits. Crossing off the two people who had been discharged and the one who had sadly passed away he set to work dividing the patients between the rotas. It was fairly easy as everyone stuck with their current patients unless they were discharged. He was just adding Balthazar's new patient to his rota, when he arrived. 

“Ahh Castiel” He said “Any news?” Cas set the rotas to print and then turned his chair so he could speak to him. “You have a new patient, Bobby Singer has been discharged” Castiel passed Balthazar his new rota and his information for the new patient. “Have you done them all?” Balthazar asked, sipping his tea. “So far yes, I stuck to the old hours but there is more patients if we can fit them in.” Cas placed his own rota on the table and starting looking at the rest. “Don't forget we have the college student on experience. Alfie?” Balthazar said, picking up Castiel's rota. “He can do the next few weeks full time” 

“Dean Winchester...you are seeing him a lot aren't you?” He teased, as Cas took the rota off him, blushing. “Instead of having two visitors, I just do his myself. We get on” He said defensively. Balthazar grinned at him. “Relax, Castiel. I know who he is, and I can't say I blame you.” He gave his colleague a roguish wink. “Just don't let Anna find out. Or Gabriel, unless you never want to hear the end of it.” 

Rota's done, Cas set off on his visits. He had three people to visit before Dean's slot that afternoon. His first stop was Jo Harvelle, a college student who had broken her leg. One of the reasons that Castiel loved his job was the sheer mix of people he got to meet. With Jo he would end up chatting about the various sports she did and her frustrations on being out for the season. Next was Rufus. Cas never needed to talk with Rufus, as he had plenty of stories to tell him about. They tended to get crazier with each visit.

His last visit before Dean's was with Meg. Castiel had been visiting Meg a long time, he was the only person she would allow to visit, and that had taken time. She was struggling with schizophrenia and Cas never knew how his visits would go, though she had shown vast improvement since she had been admitted. When he arrived at her room, she was painting, her usual rings of black and red. The pictures she painted hung around the room, her way of illustrating her demons. 

She turned round and grinned when she saw Cas, putting down her brush. “I like what you have done with the place” he said conversationally. Meg laughed “You don't think I should go for some different colours then?” she joked. Cas pulled a face, like he was deep in thought. “Maybe add some yellow?” he suggested. Meg snorted. “Go for it, lets see your picture” “Okay” Cas grinned and he began painting.

“So your picture.. who is that” Meg grinned, pointing to the picture that Cas had painted of himself at his spot in the park with Dean. Cas went red. “Got a man in your life?” She laughed. “You kept that quiet. So, is he cute? Do you love him?” Cas blushed even more furiously and Meg chuckled. “Yeah, you love him.” her face and tone turned serious and see seemed wistful. “He is a lucky guy.” She pulled the paper off the canvas and hung it to dry. For the next two hours, they painted silly pictures, and generally chatted. 

“Right, it's time for me to head off” Cas said. “I'm booked down for next week, but can fit in another visit before then if you would like” Meg shook her head. “I actually..well they are talking about letting me go home” she said, her tone quieter. “Hey that is great news! When?” She shook her head. “I'm not sure yet, but soon, I hope.” There was hope in her eyes but she looked worried. Cas went in his pocket and pulled out a card. “Well here you go, this has my office number on and the hours I’m there” He pulled out a pen and wrote a number on the back. “There is my cell, if you ever need to talk.” He put his hands on her shoulders. “You have done SO well!” Meg smiled back at him. “So call me if you need to rearrange an appointment okay. And take care of yourself.” 

Cas found himself with an hour before Dean's visit, so he went to get himself something to eat. In the cafeteria he noticed Sam sitting alone with a coffee. He was debating walking over to talk to him when Sam looked up and waved him over. “Hey” Sam said, sounding cheerful, but looking worried. This made Cas anxious. “Is Dean okay?” he asked. “He's drowsy” Sam replied “They put him on some new medication and it has made him really tired, he has been kinda out of it this morning.” 

“Shall I give today's visit a miss?” Cas asked reluctantly. Sam shook his head. “No I think it would cheer him up to see you. I just wanted to give you a heads up that he isn't so with it today” he took a swig of his coffee. “His heart rate has improved a bit though, they weren't happy with it yesterday” Sam finished his coffee and put the empty cup on the table. “I'm going to get something to eat. Meet you down there?” Cas nodded. 

When Cas arrived at Dean's room, he was asleep. The only noise was the quiet beeps of the monitor, but they were a lot less regular than they had been. Cas sat down, watching the lines moving, smoother than they had done. Dean looked peaceful, but he was pale, and he had dark shadows under his eyes. He reached out and grasped Deans hand. 

“Sorry I didn't mean to wake you”Cas said , as Dean opened his eyes. Dean smiled faintly “You didn't” he said “Well you did, but I'm happy you did.” he tried to sit up. “Hey, you should be resting” Cas said. “Bossy” Dean replied, but stayed laid down. “When you have finished being cheeky, I have decided where we are going for this date. If I still decide to go” Cas teased. Dean smirked at him. “Hey, I might not go yet, depends what you are planning” he said. “I'm not telling you, it is a secret” Cas said “You will have to wait and see. There will be pie though” 

“What pie?” Sam said as he came through the door. “Me and Cas are going on a date. He's bringing pie” Dean grinned. “Yeah that is classy Dean.” Sam teased his older brother. Dean pretended to take offence. “Only you would want pie for a date. Anyway I thought you went on dates with someone BEFORE you get together?” He turned to Cas “It isn't too late to pull out.” Dean frowned. “You better not be trying to stop my date Sammy.” “I don’t know, do you think he only wants me for my pie Sam?” Cas joined in the teasing. Dean pouted and Cas laughed, “I'm joking” he said, squeezing Dean's hand. “I need to get back to the office, can you guys play nice?” “No” the brothers replied, laughing.

Castiel walked out of the hospital with a smile on his face. Even though Dean had been visibly tired, it had been a great visit to say he had been expecting the worst. He got back to the office, dropped off his files and took some messages. “Hey Alfie” he called across the office. “You did good today, I just got a phone call. Well done.” The youngest member of the team looked both pleased and embarrassed at this praise. 

“Hey guys, anyone for drinks?” Gabriel said as he walked into the office. “Count me in” Balthazar called. “Castiel?” “I don't know Gabriel, it is a work night...” “Ahh Lil bro, c'mon what is the worst that could happen?” Gabriel asked, giving him a roguish wink. Castiel could think of several things that could and would probably go wrong in a bar with his brother. “Okay” he said, really hoping he wouldn't regret it. “Great” Gabriel replied “Alfie?” Alfie mumbled something about studying and shot out of the door. “Just us then boys” Gabriel said happily,and grinning a grin that was rather on the side of evil for Castiel's liking. 

“I will learn my lesson one day” Castiel mumbled to himself, as he stumbled in at three am. He was just grateful that his day didn't start early tomorrow. Well it was today really. Cas fell on his bed fully clothed and fell asleep. His alarm woke him at 8am, he swore at himself for not remembering to change the time. Cas felt better after dragging himself in the shower. He stopped off at the deli for a large coffee and a bacon sandwich. He walked into the office, and found Balthazar at his desk, with coffee instead of his usual tea, looking paler than usual. It was no surprise that Gabriel looked his normal self, and found his work mates delicate conditions amusing. It was what usually happened.

Cas was going to stay in the office to eat his breakfast but Gabriel was playing loud music, and Balthazar looked like he might strangle him, so he grabbed his files and left. He got in his car and headed off to the park. He spent a few hours relaxing, the coffee helped a lot with the tiredness and by the time he was ready to go and see Dean he felt great. 

Dean was awake when he reached his room. “Hey” Cas greeted him. Dean smiled “I've been waiting for you.” “How are you feeling?” Cas asked, sitting down in his usual seat. Dean coughed. “I didn't sleep so well and that damn machine has been beeping at me.” he pointed at the heart monitor, which was showing an erratic line “And I have pins and needles” “It was better yesterday!” Cas said. Dean shrugged. “What did you get up to last night?” So Castiel explained about his night out, how Gabriel had landed them in a karaoke bar on ladies night. “So if I see another lurid pink drink again...” Dean laughed. “Well that spoils my plans for our second date” He joked. “So how long do I have you for?” Dean asked. “I have no other plans this afternoon, so until you are sick of me.” Cas replied. Dean beamed at him “So never then” he said. Cas laughed “Oh I give it an hour.” Dean shook his head “Nope!” he said, grabbing Cas' hand. 

They spent a happy afternoon together, though Cas noticed that Dean's arm was bothering him. “Still got the pins and needles?” he asked. Dean frowned and nodded. He waved his arm about “It's starting to bug me now!” “Have you laid on it funny?” Dean shrugged. “I need the toilet, I will be back soon.” Cas said, reaching down and kissing Dean on the forehead. He bumped into Sam down the corridor. “We have to stop meeting like this” Sam joked. Cas grinned, and was just about to respond when suddenly the sound of alarms rang out from Dean's room. They watched in horror as nurses started making a beeline for Dean's room. He looked at Sam in pure horror and started running.

“Dean!” Cas screamed as the crash team moved in, wheeling in the defibrillator. He watched as they placed the paddles on Dean's chest and charged. The heart monitor line was going all over the place and as they sent the jolt through Dean's body he held his breath as the line went flat. It felt like forever and then suddenly the line started again, showing more regular heart beats. Cas felt giddy with relief and like he was going to pass out. He turned to Sam, whose face was white, matching his knuckles as his hands gripped the window frame. “I'm going to get a coffee, would you like one?”  
Sam nodded. “Two sugars please.” “I Will be back soon” Cas said softly, placing an hand on Sam's arm, then heading for the coffee machine. 

When Cas got back with the coffee, Sam was sat by Dean's bed. “He is sedated.” Sam said quietly “They managed to get his heart beating somewhat normally, but it could happen again , any time.”  
Cas put his coffee down and put an arm around Sam's shoulders. “Have they said anything more about his operation?” Sam shook his head. “They have him up the list, but until a suitable heart comes along there is nothing they can do. No one knows how long the wait will be. I don't think they hold out much hope” He turned to Cas. “They said I can bring MJ in, to see him. So I don't think they expect him to make it much longer. Jess is going to bring her over to the hospital, she will be devastated. She adores him” Sam smiled sadly. He paused. “Um Cas...This date you wanna take...I think you might want to do it sooner, rather than later” 

Cas finished his coffee. “It is about time I left” he said. He thought it best to leave the family to grieve with their bad news. In Castiel's line of work he had been in this sad situation before, but had never been quite so invested before. “Don't” Sam said “Dean would want you to be here” he sighed. “I know he isn't really conscious at the moment but..I still think he knows, you know.” Cas nodded. “Let me try and get another chair” There was a chair in the hallway and no one was around so Cas took it and set it down next to Sam's. It was quiet in the room, except for the beeping of the machine. “I don't know what I will do without my brother” Sam said “It has been me and him, all our lives.” 

They sat in silence for nearly an hour, until the door opened and a small blonde haired girl came running in. “Daddy!” “Hey!” Sam said scooping her up and kissing her. “Why is Uncle Dean asleep?” She asked. “He's sick, and he needs to sleep to get better” Sam explained. “When he wakes up can we go in Impala?” “When he is better sweetie” Jess said as she walked into the room. MJ seemed happy with this answer and wiggled so her dad would put her down. When on the floor she walked over and grabbed Dean's fingers. “Get better soon Uncle Dean” 

“Sam, I will come back later” Cas whispered to him “You need family time right now” Sam nodded “Thanks Cas, he will appreciate it” They shook hands. “She is a great kid” Cas smiled, as MJ was happily telling Dean a story about a rabbit she had seen in a pet store. Sam nodded, proud but sad. “It's nice to meet you” Cas said to Jess, who was trying to stop MJ climbing on the bed. “And you” she smiled back, sadly. 

Cas tried to hold it together as he headed to the parking lot. He got to his car, and changed his mind about going home he was going to the park. It was only when he got there and he was completely alone, that he broke down. Why had he met Dean, only to face the very real possibility that he would be taken away from him. He looked around him, the secret spot in the park that he had wanted to show Dean and now he probably never would. He would just have to settle for the next best thing.

Retrieving his car from the hospital parking lot, he drove back home and attached his cell phone to his laptop. While he downloaded the images, he searched through his mounds of paper until he found what he was looking for. Taking out the regular paper and putting the photography paper into his printer, he made A4 prints of the pictures he had took. “If I can't take him there, I'm going to take the park to him” Cas said to himself. 

It was 7pm by the time Cas got back to the hospital, after normal visiting hours. He had been to the hospital this late before only a couple of times before, and the quietness still unnerved him. Cas checked through the window when he got to Dean's room, he didn't want to intrude on his family. But it was just Dean. He finally plucked up the courage to go inside the room and sit down. Dean was quiet, his eyes were slightly open but he wasn't really awake either. Cas grasped his hand, squeezing the fingers, hoping for a response. 

“This is the most elaborate way anyone has ever got out of a date with me” Cas joked. “If you didn't want to go, you should of said” He felt the tears threatening again, and grabbed the pictures before he fell apart all together. “See this is where I was going to take you” He said softly “It's my heaven on earth, a bit of peace in a busy city. It is like where I grew up. I was going to show you that too. This is quieter though, no Gabriel and Michael bickering.” 

“So this is a shot of all of it. It's only small look, but room for a picnic. And this is the flower bed I threw mixed seeds on. I didn't know if it would work but I got a whole mass of flowers. I was surprised, I hardly have green fingers. I struggle to keep my cactus alive. Okay, this one is of the two trees you have to go past to get in, they keep it well hidden. I always wonder how old they are, each time I go there. They are the biggest trees in the place.” Cas went through all the pictures, describing to Dean, the reason behind each one. Dean didn't reply, but his eyes flickered and Cas was sure he was listening. 

“Okay I saved this one for last. This is me sat on the bench. I don't know who put it there but I'm sure glad they did. It seems to of been there years, its old and kinda rusted. But I took this one, so that I'm here, even if not actually here, you can have this and...” Cas broke down. “It wasn't sposed to be this way. We had so little time together. It’s not FAIR!” Tears were freely running down Castiel's cheeks. “I love you” He whispered. Dean gently squeezed his fingers.

He sat there for a long time, he didn't know how long, cherishing each second. “Hey Castiel” It was Tessa. “I'm going to have to chuck you out” She said apologetically. “Ellen gets here in half an hour and she will have a fit if you are still here” Cas wiped his face and nodded. “Yeah I know. Thanks Tessa. For letting me come in, I know its kinda rule breaking.” She shook her head. “In the circumstances....” She put a hand on his shoulder. Cas placed the picture of himself on the bench, next to Dean's bed and left.

Checking his watch, he saw that it was 10pm. He had sat in the room with Dean three hours, yet it had felt like three minutes. He walked through the hospital, to the parking lot. Every step he took away from Dean hurt. He finally reached his car and sank into the drivers seat. Driving away he took a wistful look back at the hospital. “Goodbye Dean”

It was never clear what caused the crash. Maybe Castiel wasn't watching his speed, maybe the tears affected his vision. The driver that hit him had been drinking, but wasn't over the legal limit. Had one of them swerved to miss a pedestrian?. The police started making enquiries of the witnesses , as the paramedics dealt with the injuries. They shook their heads sadly, as they closed the body bag. The police began the job of searching for details to contact the next of kin. It was just before midnight when they knocked on Gabriel's door.

Sam awoke to the phone ringing. Dread filled his stomach, he had been expecting the phone to ring tonight, this late surely it could not be good news. “Hello?” It was the hospital. But the voice on the other end didn't give him the news he expected. Putting the phone back he jumped out of bed. “What's the matter?” Jess said sleepily. Sam bent down and kissed her. “A heart came up for Dean” Jess grabbed him into a fierce hug. “I have to get to the hospital. I know by the time that I get there he will be in surgery but I...just need to be there.” Jess nodded. “Call me, okay?”

The five hours that the operation took, were the longest of Sam's life. He saw the Doctor walking down the corridor and knew this was it,whatever the outcome he was about to find out. “The operation went well. He is recovering in intensive care at the moment, I will update you further and when he is awake, you can see him.” Sam threw his arms around the Dr, tears of relief flowing down his cheeks. “He did well to say how ill he was” the Dr said, patting him on the back. “He is a fighter. I think he has someone watching over him.”

The Dr left, and Sam put his head back and closed his eyes. The last few months stress had put major stress on him. He felt relief but he wouldn't fully settle until Dean was back in his usual room. He fell into an uneasy sleep. 

“Hello?” Sam woke up to see a man in the room. “Are you Dean Winchester??” Sam shook his head “No, I'm his brother Sam”. “I'm Gabriel Novak” “Oh are you Cas' brother?” Sam grinned. “There's great news, my brother got his transplant. Is Cas going to stop by, I can't wait to tell him the news” Gabriel shook his head. “My brother died last night” he said quietly “There was a crash” 

“Oh god, I'm so sorry” Sam said putting his face in his hands. “You weren't to know” Gabriel said sadly. “So your brother is the guy my lil bro has been crushing on then.” Gabriel snorted “He didn't tell me of course, but I always could read him like a book.” He rummaged in a pocket “Here is my card, we will be holding a service. I know that Castiel would want him there...If he can make it..” “Thank you, he will appreciate that” Sam replied “And thank you for coming and telling us, It can't be easy.” 

“I'm trying to keep busy” he said “Have my colleagues explaining to the other people he visited. “Never knew he was so popular” Gabriel joked. He turned to Sam “I'm really glad your brother is okay. I hope he has a swift recovery.” He paused. “Strange how it works out.” “What do you mean?” Sam asked. Gabriel turned to him “My brother was an organ donor” “No....” Gabriel shrugged. “It was nice to meet you Sam, I wish it had been under better circumstances.” 

Sam went outside for some fresh air and to call Jess. The phone barely rang before she picked up. “Hello?” Sam passed on the news from the hospital, leaving out the news about Cas. He would explain later. “Hang on, MJ wants to talk to you.” Jess gave MJ the phone. “Hello Daddy are you there with Uncle Dean?” “He has had an operation, so not at the moment, but I will see him later, when he is better” “Can we go for a drive then?” “Soon MJ, when he comes home.” “I love you daddy” “I love you too baby. Put mommy back on the phone.” Sam said good bye to Jess, and finished the call, promising to call back with updates. Now he needed coffee. 

It was 6pm that evening, until Dean was awake and off the ventilator. “He is still pretty groggy, but you can have a quick visit” Tessa said. “I'm sure he will let us know when he feels better” Sam laughed “You know him so well.” They got to the entrance of the intensive care room they were keeping Dean in. “I take it you heard the news about Castiel Novak” Sam said. Tessa nodded “I did it is a huge shame. He's been a visitor since before I started here, a lot of people are going to miss him.” Tessa kept her professional face, but Sam could tell that she was devastated by the news. “Please don't let Dean find out” Sam said “Not yet” Tessa nodded “It would be disastrous to his recovery.” Sam sighed. “I don't know how I am going to tell him”

“Hey Dean how you doing?” Sam said as he walked in. Dean gave him a weak smile. “Jess and MJ send their love. MJ wants to know if you can go for a ride in the car now. I told her that she should probably wait a while.” The five minutes that Sam was allowed went quickly. “I will come by tomorrow” Sam said. “I will be calling to check on you. So behave” he joked.

It was three days later when Dean was moved out of intensive care. By then he was making up for lost time in regards to talking. “Did you bring pie?” was the first thing that he asked Sam, when he visited. Sam shook his head “You are meant to be looking after that heart.” Dean gave him a pleading look. “I know that booze is a no go now but no pie, really?” Sam laughed. “I will ask, but you need to stop eating so much crap.” 

Then came the question that Sam was dreading. “Has Cas been to see me?” “He's...It's...been family only.” Sam spluttered. “Oh okay..So when is he coming? He can come see me now right?” “I don't know Dean..” Dean frowned. “What aren't you telling me?” Sam stayed quiet “Come on Sammy, I know when you are lying to me, what's happened?” Sam looked at the floor. “Sammy what's wrong with Cas” Dean demanded. “Dean... Cas died” The little colour in Dean's face drained away. “No, no..he can't be dead...he was here showing me pictures. These pictures” He said, grabbing them from the side of his bed. 

“He died that night Dean. I'm so sorry. I didn't know until after you went for your transplant, and I you were so ill, you didn't need any more on top of that....” “So you just didn't think it was majorly important to let me know he was dead. One of the most important people in my life! I need him Sam, I needed him here. I love him, I couldn't say it that night, but he told me, and I was just waiting until I wasn't so out of my head that I was able to tell him. But he's dead and my brother doesn't think it is important!” 

“Dean please just calm down!” Sam begged “This isn't good for your health” “Screw my health” Dean yelled. “Hey what is all this noise” Tessa said “You're supposed to be resting” “How am I meant to do that when my brother is keeping things from me, like the same night I'm in surgery, Cas is dying.” A horrified look crept over his face. “Wait a minute, is this HIS heart? Please tell me no...This must be a sick joke” he turned to Tessa. “Please, tell me this isn't his heart” “Dean..” “Tell me it isn't his” he shouted. “I can't Dean, that information isn't supplied. It could be pure co incidence..” “You're lying” Dean spat “Dean please” Tessa begged. “I want you both to get out” Dean said, his voice full of hate.

Tessa burst into tears, as her and Sam left the room. “Hey don't cry, he doesn't mean this” Sam said gently. “He's just had some really bad news, this is how he acts” Sam looked back through the window, Dean was curled up as much as he could, with his face to the wall. “Are you due a break soon?” Tessa nodded. “Good, I will get you a drink” 

“So I know you probably don't know, or its confidential but the heart...could it be Cas'?” Tessa took a sip of her drink. “Anything is possible Sam. The crash was near here, so he will have been brought here. You said his brother told you he was an organ donor? I won't lie, it could be. A big city like this will see its fair share of loss though.” Sam nodded. “I will let him cool off today, I just hope he will talk to me. It must be so hard for him to go through. I can't imagine losing Jess”

It took until Dean was released from hospital two weeks later for him to talk to Sam, and even that was only when he had to. He spent most of the time in the spare room where he was staying. “What is wrong with Uncle Dean?” MJ asked one morning. “He's just tired honey” Jess said “He was really sick, now he is getting better. It will just take time.” “Do you want me to try and talk to him?” Jess said once MJ had gone to watch cartoons. Sam shook his head. “It's me he is mad at, I will go talk to him. It's about time, if MJ is picking up on it.”

Later that evening, Sam took Dean's meal up to him. “I brought you some pie.” Dean scowled at him “You think pie will just make this all better?” Sam went and sat on the bed. “Dean you can't stay mad at me forever. MJ's picking up on the vibes. It isn't fair on her or Jess. Or me. How could I tell you such bad news when you had just had a major operation?” 

Dean wilted. “I'm not mad at you” he whispered. “I just..had this idea how it would all work out, I would get my operation and...I've had so many flings, as you know Sammy, but in the time I knew him, I saw him always being there. A future. I saw myself settling down. Most of the time in the hospital I was alone and all I could do was think. And I stopped thinking about all the shitty decisions I have made in my life, all the stuff that has gone wrong. Cas made me feel like I was worth something, like I actually deserved a future where I was happy. I loved him. Now I will have more time, but it will be time without him. And honestly? I would rather he was still here and I was gone. He made a difference to people, everything I touch turns to shit. Even someone as beautiful as him. He knew me, was close to me..loved me..now he is dead” All Sam could do was wrap his arms around his older brother. There were no words. 

A few days later they headed to the funeral. Jess stayed at home with MJ, and Sam went to drive Dean. He offered to stay in the car, but Dean shook his head and said that Cas would of wanted him there. It was a beautiful spring day, in contrast to the sadness of the day. Dean was still pale, and recovering but Sam wouldn't of dared suggest he missed the service. They walked over to Gabriel, who was stood with a tall, black haired man. Gabriel greeted them “Sam, Dean..This is my brother Michael” They shook hands. “We are so sorry for your loss” Sam said. They spotted Tessa in the congregation, and took the seats next to her. “You look so much better Dean” she said, pulling Dean into a hug. By the time that the service began, the church was full, there were even people standing at the back. 

Michael stood up. “I want to thank you all for being here. My brother would be humbled to know that all of you showed up today. I think it is a true show of the amazing person he was, and all the people's lives he touched. He will be missed, not just by his blood family, but by the family he made up through his love of helping people” 

Next was Gabriel. “I didn't always see eye to eye with Castiel. As the bible says A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. We would bicker as children, and Michael would be the one to field the arguments. I now realise that we argued so much because we are so similar. Both rebels” a faint laugh went through the mourners “Though while I was rebelling against the rules, Cas would be skipping school to demonstrate against animal testing, or giving a homeless guy his lunch. He truly was never happier then when he was helping others.” 

After the service everybody headed outside. “Are you ready to go home?” Sam said gently to Dean. “Give me a minute” Dean said. “I need to clear my head” He strolled away from the church. Standing away from the crowd, Dean was able to think clearly. He heard footsteps behind him. “Hey are you Dean?” he nodded. “I'm Meg” the woman said. She looked Dean up and down. “Well Cas said you were cute, but not this cute” she smirked. “Were you a colleague of Cas'?” She shook her head. “He visited me for a while in the psych ward. A long while.” she sighed. “In fact I would go as far as to say he saved my life. He was a really good person, a rare creature in this day and age.” Dean wanted to tell her that people aren't all that bad, but he got the feeling experience had told her otherwise. “I was lucky to have him” he said, the grief building in his chest. Meg came closer to him and whispered in his ear. “Thank you for making him so happy.” 

They stood there together for a while, united in their shared grief, until Dean heard the beep of the impala's horn. “That's my summoning” he said. He turned to Meg. “You take care of yourself, okay?” She nodded and shook his hand. “You too Dean.” As they pulled away in the car, Dean looked out on the mourners still to pay their respects to the man he loved.


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months later

“Hey MJ! I can drive again. You know what that means?” He picked his niece up swung her around. “IMPALA” she yelled happily. “Damn straight” he grinned “So were do you want to go?” MJ screwed her face up in thought. “The park” she decided. 

It was a crisp Autumn day, and MJ ran through the park, kicking the leaves in the air. Dean sat on the bench, as he watched her sliding down the slide, shrieking with glee, just to repeat the process. She then ran to the swings. “Push me Uncle Dean” she demanded, giggling as as she soared higher. 

As he was pushing the swing, he noticed two trees, that stood out from the others. He had a weird feeling he had seen them before but he couldn't work out where. After an hour of playing MJ was tired out and he carried her back to the car. She fell asleep as they drove home. He stayed for dinner with Jess and Sam, and then drove back to his apartment. He had been back there just a month and was easing back into living alone again. 

“You would of loved today Cas” he said, looking at the picture that Castiel had taken from him the day he died. We were at the park and MJ loved it so much. She would of loved you. Blue eyes stared back at him. Suddenly Dean paid attention to the background of the photo. “Wait, that is the pair of trees I saw earlier.” he said “That is where I saw them before!” he grabbed the other pictures that Cas had taken and found the one that focused on the trees. “That's where it is!” 

The next morning he set off back to the park. He went past the playground and to the foot of the two large trees. Walking between them, and through some overgrow, he found himself in the small clearing from Castiel's pictures. It wasn't as well groomed as it had been in pictures, and had a forlorn, neglected look, but it was undoubtedly the same place. 

Dean spent many hours sat on the rusted old bench, just staring around at the little piece of green in the big city. He told Cas how much he missed him, about being back in his apartment, the crazy exploits of the people next door. “I miss you so much, you know” Dean said. “You did so much for me, and I want to do something for you. He lifted the small urn from out of his bag. “Gabriel gave me these. I was going to keep them, but I know this is where you would want to be.” Dean scattered the ashes over the flower bed, just as Cas had sprinkled seeds the year before. The wind blew the ashes up into the air, spreading them. “Goodbye Cas” Dan whispered.


End file.
